Strung out between two worlds secular and sacred.
I remain on that knife-edge between the two.
Not allowing myself the luxury of one camp or another, even within my tradition
I used to staunchly defend "modern orthodoxy" (which turns out to be neither) or "religious Zionists" (a true hybrid contradiction in terms).

Not wishing to give in to either nor to give up on either validating both,
Worried about loosing the essential quality of either were I to choose.
And even in my turn to Hassidism the path of Reb Nachman "chose" me and demanded one "Be a Litvak in the head and Hassid in the heart".
Once again, straddling both the rational as well as the mystical worlds.

In my practice I too strive for "evidence based" clinical decision-making
And counsel my patients on remedies that are scientifically based
Yet I believe it’s practice is an art, more akin to the humanities and magical arts!

Lastly in my theology; in a nightmarish post-Holocaust world
Where others drill the last screw into the coffin of Western Civilization and Christianity
I remain drawn to the symbiotic roots of these Pharisees, Rabbis and early Church Fathers hankering after a long forgotten mythic collegiate dialogue
So that I might be able to reconstruct a truer picture of Incarnation and Crucifixion
From a Rabbinic perspective,
Treasures lost in our rejection of sectarianism.
For living in a world after the Tremendum-I need so badly to recover those roots of Mesiras Nefesh and the Torah of Rabbi Akivah to make sense of God’s latest demands for His people's collective Akeidah.

Fully aware of the psychological benefits of such a stand
And the prophetic criticism of "sitting on the fence" literally

I still wish to remain in that space "in between", since I cannot nor wish to make intellectual choices either here or there.
I wish to hold the opposites, stay with the tension, hold that too
And let the conflict allow something new to emerge.

This is the brilliance of Reb Nachman's refusal to choose either the Vilna Gaon's or the Alter Rebbe's position on the Tzimtzum, rather demanding from his Hassidim to "hold the paradox of the Chalal Hapanui" the vacated space, for only the Zaddik can hope to traverse this infinite chasm of the presence of the Absence of God.

And in this post Holocaust space a place of apparent radical absence of the Divine the Rebbe demands an act of faith as in Chagal's painting the White Crucifixion portrays-an act of Mesiras Nefefh of surrender despite the absence.

The critical key is how to find that road map that will help us traverse the vacated space!
And I'm told that I must stay put on the knife-edge between the Makif and the Pnimi¹ the transcendent pull and the immanent push.
The Ratzo and the Shov² rising and falling in the cyclical-mythical Mandala of life.
I must remain in that space between the Twin Towers.

So the easy solutions and one-sided response must be let go
For a more complex holding pattern
The waiting for God
And Simone Weil's afflictions
The refusal to accept easy theological platitudes
Despite Rabbinical approval.

We will stay in this space of radical doubt
And make of it a new path
A paradoxical faith
A faith, despite
Steadfastness in the face of
A protest in the style of Midrash and the Baal Shem Tov
The lost Princess and the Seventh Beggar³

And when the Messiah arrives we will ask him why?
Why so long in coming?
Why watch so much suffering in the interim?
What pleasure had the Divine from all this?
And he will sigh.

¹See my essay Makif and Pnimi, Circles and Lines, June 2007
²The ebb and flow, ascent and descent, the coming toward and backing away from the Divine which is the hallmark of all spiritual paths.
³The Story of the Seven Beggars, Rabbi Nachman's Tales, by Arnold Band, Classics of Western Spirituality, Paulist Press 1985.