I lie on the couch and prepare myself for this experience.
I close my eyes and prepare myself as if this might be the last day on this earth.
I am in my 55^th year
My preparations should begin.

Lower Heh

He begins with playing his harp.
Each string gets plucked and is allowed to die slowly without dampening
Each note follows the other sequentially
I am filled with grief
For myself, my past, my children and parents
My ancestors
My people,
Humanity
In ever enlarging circle of grief
I think of the Vurker Rebbe and the "ocean of tears"
Yes I am his Chassid.
Drowning in tears of grief I am breathing deeply and slowly holding the in-breath then the out breath.
Holding all this suffering on behalf of humanity right this moment
The only one alive
Avraham haya yachid...
Deeper breaths bring deeper pain and it cuts right through me.

That is until he stops. The silence is deafening and cuts short this self-indulgence.
Silence, holding my breath
All is still
The chapel is silent.
Screaming silence.

Vav

Next he begins to sing, deep slow baritones
Vowels of the language emerge from him
And I feel I am being transported across somewhere
To another side
Where there is movement, as if I am transforming into something deeper and higher.
This lasts for a short time followed by another silence.

Heh Elyona

Now music emerges once more
Notes in a higher range being played with a slightly more distant feel
I am in another place now where I am hearing the music of the spheres
An exalted place beyond suffering
Seeing or feeling on God's perspective
His overall view of the world below where all is soothing and calm
In this space nothing is affecting me
Just the privilege of being present to a higher order of harmony.

Yud

Finally silence and my vision is clouded by waves of circular shadows coming and going
I am puzzled by these spherical shapes moving across my visual field
Until I realize that I have arrived at the core of the Divine
Adjacent to the Ein Sof, where in Azilut there is only
Desire
I have become present to Divine Desire
And filled with a sense of awe and reverence for the gift
Being present to the source of all creation, desire.
This place brings a feeling of exaltedness and sanctity.
I cannot stand it here too long and end it quickly
As if I had been privy to something so refined
I must only stay a little while and soon return
To my world.