7.29.07

From Webster’s dictionary:

_pa•tient

Pronunciation: 'pA-sh&nt
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English pacient, from Anglo-French, from Latin patient-, patiens, from present participle of pati to suffer; perhaps akin to Greek pEma suffering

1. : bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
2. : manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
3. : not hasty or impetuous
4. : steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity
5. a : able or willing to bear -- used with of
   b : SUSCEPTIBLE, ADMITTING (patient of one interpretation)

- pa•tient•ly adverb

Main Entry: ²patient

Function: noun

1. a : an individual awaiting or under medical care and treatment
   b : the recipient of any of various personal services
2. : one that is acted upon

My illness required the utmost patience! Paralyzed by my pain, unable to move I had plenty of time to reflect when not consumed by the pain!

My illness demanded endurance beyond my expectations. For the first time I was bed bound and powerless over my body. Trying to imagine the pathology within, the facture sites and the mashed lung tissue old memories from medical school path classes needed to make sense of all of this. Bloody tissue slowly being resorbed into the body through the white cells, release of toxins etc etc.

Lying on my bed face up, fluorescent lights glaring waiting waiting, the nurse comes, the therapist oh no not her! She will cause me immense pain with those bloody breathing exercises. I want to leave my lungs alone I do not wish to stretch anything! Alveoli bronchi whatever, leave them alone! Then the waterworks, change of dressing plumbing, water in yellow fluid out, measure measure. Then blood pressure, the squeezing of the upper arm, more discomfort, the pulse the thing in the ear for the temperature etc etc. the day fills up rapidly with these measurements the pill time the food time the X rays visit downstairs over the agonizingly uneven floor, each bump anticipated but never as bad as the actual bump, sending shivers of pain through the back. The day fills rapidly. Food tray arrives, negotiating the space between the tray and the mouth without pain, not wishing to eat, no appetite, being pushed by the staff and family.

Patience is demanded and learned quickly and painfully.
Patience for the process of healing
Body time
Slow time
Agonizingly slow time
Healing time
Time to ponder
The insanities of one's life
Time to think about relationships past and present
Resentments and fear surface quickly to fill in negative space
Time to pray and make sense of this on a higher level
Why me
Why now
This is not what I needed!
But it is
Precisely what the "Doctor" upstairs ordered
"go learn patience" He said with a smile
"go be a patient for a while!" He said.

Looking back the body leaves its scars
Things do not work like they used to
Aches and pains arise form places I never thought existed on my topography
And the therapist now hits more tender spots than ever.

If anything I have learned about mortality and fragility
And how lucky I was
And nevertheless I did not come away unscathed
In the psyche scars are also left
The depression has still not lifted
And I cannot will it away
Nor will I medicate it
I must watch it closely and not allow it to become anger
And learn to remain hand off
Allowing it to percolate and dissipate with respect.

I learned how close I needed my children
how angelic my wife was throughout
Arising at 3 am once home to lift me up to a sitting position which was still agony.
Night after night without complaints.
Love in the trenches.
I learned what a small community the town I work in is
And that even now patients ask me how I am doing
And that people still care.
I learned what angels the nurses are day after day self sacrifice in ways doctors have yet to figure out.

I learned how paradoxical this God of mine really is
That He teaches in unexpected ways and painful too.

This I must still teach
Having experienced it myself
To my poor patients in pain and suffering
To remain patient
To learn to endure
To suffer well
To listen to the body and its message
For it will arise no doubt.